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Thursday, January 04, 2007

Ooh, The Plot Thickens...

The Earl and Coleen Wilbur, The Earl of Flight Orville, The 2nd Earl of Flight
Oh but the British tabloids are having a field day with this little romance. The Earl is being touted as the biggest philanderer known to man and has been labeled as, "Slimy Spencer", or by the more affectionate title, "The Love Rat". It would seem that whilst The Earl was visiting us corn fed cow punchers in the Midwest, his wife was about to give birth to a child. Make that his second wife. The one whom he met whilst still married to his first one. You know, the one the tabloids say he cheated on numerous times? Uh huh. That one. Old what's her name.
Now, our Coleen flew to England to interview The Earl a year ago just prior to the opening of the Diana exhibit at our art museum. Oh, and just prior to the Earl's wife giving birth to their child. And, just prior to the subsequent divorce of the Earl and the new mum. Are you following any of this?
Wasn't this all a story line on "Days of Our Lives" a few years back?
Of course the British tabloids have gotten a few things wrong. Shocking I know but true. They listed our Coleen as "a high level television executive in Los Angeles". I guess that saying she was the anchor of a news program in Dayton, Ohio was just too, too provincial. Boring even. Dayton? Where is that? What? In the middle of a goat pasture?
I am sure that the US tabloids will pick up the story eventually. For now though, they are much too worried about Britney's lack of underwear, Anna Nicole's fatherless babe and some female alien skeletons being discovered in George Clooney's back yard.
Now, according to WDTN's general manager, Ms. Sullivan actually has about 6 more days of work left on her contract but doubts that she will be back. Back to fill that seat with her sassy little bum. Okay, so that last sentence was in my brother's words NOT the general manager's but you get the idea.
Our paper has had a lot of fun with this story. Why, just today they published an article where one columnist opined about how she, and many other area women who met The Earl, were not considered *dump the old lady and date the new chick* material. They are however, considering beginning a support group for women The Earl dissed.
There was also a tidbit about how one British columnist stated that seeing the world through the eyes of The Earl must have seemed terribly attractive to a girl from "someplace called Dayton".
Does anyone remember that it was here that the Peace Agreement on Bosnia-Herzegovina was signed? The one initialized at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio on November 21, 1995 and signed in Paris on December 14, 1995. The agreement is known as the Dayton Peace Accords. Uh huh. That Dayton. Those poor VIPS were forced to bed down with the pigs and chickens I hear. Humiliating.
Dayton's own invented...let's see now...take a deep breath...
Airplane Ejection Seats Artificial Hearts Artificial Kidneys Automobile Air Bags Bionic Organs Carbon Less Copy Paper Chrome Plating Computerized Aircraft Loading System Double Glass Windows Electric Cash Registers Filter Cigarettes Fixed-Focus Headlights Frost-proof freezers Fuzzbuster & Radar Detectors Glass Photographic Negatives Ice Cream Cones Instant Blood-Glucose Level Testing

Are you still with me?

Laser Weapons Liberty Engines Night Serial Photography Nuclear Powered Pacemakers Quick Process Malleable Iron and Room Air Conditioners... Whew!, another deep breath... Isolated Home and Farm Electric Lighting Systems
Stepladders Microfiche Collapsible Portable Cribs Human Heart-Lung Machines Motorized Wheelchairs Pull Tab and Pop Top Beverage Cans Ice Cube Trays with Ejector Mechanism Movie Projectors, Movie Cameras, Movie Film and Movie Theatres Continuous Ink Jet Printers Automobile Starters
Price Tag Affixing Machines Lighted Scoreboards
Ethyl-Leaded Gasoline Official Building Mail Chutes Electrically Stimulated Ambulatory Motion Cash Registers Gas Masks Portable Breathing Resuscitators Computing Scale for Butchers and Grocers AND Parachutes...oh, and that little thing
called THE AIRPLANE. Thank you Orville and Wilbur, the Earls of Flight.
And, we culturally deprived folks round these parts also call these people our own....
Erma Bombeck ~ Writer
Paul Lawrence Dunbar ~ Poet
Allison Janney ~ Actor
John Jakes ~ Writer
Dorian Harewood ~ Actor
Milt Caniff ~ Cartoonist
Nancy Cartwright ~ Actor
Norman Vincent Peale ~ Evangelist
The Ohio Players ~ Musicians
Cathy Guiseweit ~ Cartoonist
Mike Peters ~ Cartoonist
Phil Donahue ~ Television Host
Rob Lowe ~ Actor
Chad Lowe ~ Actor
Kim Deal and The Breeders ~ Musicians
Joe Eszterhas ~ Writer
Martin Sheen ~ Actor
John Lithgow ~ Actor
Ming Tsai ~ Chef/Television Host
Jonathan Winters ~ Actor
Richard Crenna ~ Actor
Rick Derringer ~ Musician
Gordon Jump ~ Actor
Gary Sandy ~ Actor
Don Novello ~ Actor....
and from the athletic world...
Nick Mangold
AJ Hawk
Mike Schmidt
Edwin C. Moses
Mike Nugent
Roger Clemens
Dan Wilkinson
Kirk Herbstreit

I am probably forgetting something or someone but I am sleep deprived remember?
Yeah, we Daytonians are a shabby lot. Terribly unsophisticated it would seem. Unworldly. Snot nosed and grimy faced. Naive. A simple folk.
Okay, I need to add another log to the fire or my steam powered computer will falter.
And the chickens need milkin', the cows are alayin' and the
outhouse needs, well, more paper. I think I will dig up some of those tabloids. They must be good for something. Right?
Thank you all for being so sweet and for continuing
to keep good thoughts for us! I am much better today...or
trying to be! I am back to being feisty so
that is a good sign. Isn't it?
Have a great day all!
Suzie Q


Cindy said...

The Earl sounds like my ex-husband. Once a cheater, always a cheater!

Susie Q said...

I think that may be the sad truth....serial cheaters...they never learn do they?

Cheryl Wray said...

Hee hee . . .it's like your own little soap opera in your back yard!!
You have some impressive people from your area. Good company!

Andi said...

Okay, I'm impressed as can be with your backwoods little town of Dayton!!!

But I especially liked your Brother's words of "her sassy little bum"!!! Not sure if I've ever seen that phrase used...and so eloquently!!!

Brown English Muffin said...

"Days of our Lives" a few years back?"

You kill me....LOL