Please Allow Me A Moment...

I long ago swore I would not write posts that were filled with sadness or dwell on how bad my head aches or whether I have a hang nail or not. The world is filled with far too many trials and there are always people who suffer far greater ills than I can even imagine. So, with that said, I do hope you will allow me a moment to "cry on your shoulders", so to speak. Perhaps I need a safe place to express what is in my heart and this blog just seems to be the best source for that. I will never forget the afternoon my brother and sister in law told us that they were pregnant. I will always remember every detail of the day he was born. I was there when he was born... I have his face and hands and feet memorized...I know every curl, every wave in his thick brown hair and each crinkle around those sweet dark eyes. He is an adorable little boy who turned 4 in March. I was Boo's caregiver for his first 3 years. I love him more than I could ever express to you. His smiles are so filled with the joy of life...he, like my own children, holds my heart in those chubby, little hands. We have all known for awhile that something just was not right. But getting to today's diagnosis was a long and arduous path. I will always hold his first pediatrician in disdain for treating our concerns dismissively and allowing so much time to go by before Boo's parents were able to move forward with specialists and testing. The story is a long one but, after many tests and various doctors seeing him, they told his parents, this afternoon, that Boo is most probably autistic and may be mildly retarded as well. Yes, I knew something was wrong but I have always held the hope that he was just delayed and that he could and would catch up with his peers eventually. I do know that amazing things are being done today in the field of autism and yes, we will do whatever it takes to help this precious boy learn and grow. Still, when the diagnosis came today, it was like a sharp blow to my heart. Believe me, I have told myself all the pretty words, given myself lots of joy filled pep talks in the past 2 years. I know that so many others have received such a diagnosis and we are certainly not alone. I know that great advancements in this field are occurring all the time and this is not a diagnosis without hope. Still, my mind wanders into a frighteningly dark place where fear and anger and frustration reign supreme. My sister in law did everything right for over a year before Boo was even conceived. She has never been drunk or taken a narcotic. She was healthy and fit, as was my brother. They were married for almost 11 years before the baby arrived. We all waited so long for him and I am fighting the urge to scream out loud at God, "Why?", "WHY?" over and over and over. We are a small family and he is the only child my brother and sister in law will have. Bill's brother and his family have chosen not to see us often...we have never felt as close to them as we would like. I am not putting all the blame on them but their door has never been fully opened to us and probably never will be...for many reasons that we will never understand. I am only bringing this up now because I wanted you to understand that although we have 2 nephews on Bill's side of the family, they have never really been allowed to be a part of our lives nor our children part of theirs. There is no fight to speak of, just disregard and the sad truth that we are not important to them. It is a pain that has been part of our lives for a long time now...but one we have, long ago, come to grips with. So you see? Boo is the only nephew's love we have been allowed to share in, revel in, truly enjoy. We adore him and have become so very close to him. I will always be thankful from the bottom of my heart to my brother and sister in law for giving us this rich blessing. I well remember bargaining with God and begging Him to allow this precious child a future that would be bright and free of such obstacles...knowing all too well that each of us face hurdles that we must overcome. But I am feeling so lost, so raw at this moment. Yes, I am most probably not thinking clearly. I will get by these feelings in a few days and begin to look at the situation with renewed hope. I pray that God will love me enough to forgive my anger and doubt. I pray He will hold my brother and sister in law through this and never leave their side. I pray He will hold my little man's hand and let him know that we are all there for him, now and forever. I will always love this little boy with all my heart. ALL my heart. Thanks to all of you for allowing me this one moment to cry on your collective shoulders. I am far more grateful to you all than I can express.