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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

It's Alive! It's Alive!

Yes, Frankie baby, she is alive. Okay. Now, let me first say that I have had more visits clocked here while I am NOT Posting then I do when I actually post. Hmmm....are you all tryng to tell me something? Yes? Aw gee...okay. But I never listen anyway so I will just go ahead and post. Phooey. Why have I been away for awhile? That is a hard one to answer. Or not. Or maybe no one cares or is out there at all. But I talk to myself all the time anyhoo so why should this be an exception? First though I would like to send hugs to my dear blog friends who have checked on me and I want to let you know how much I appreciate it. I also want to send a hello to a few friends to whom I owe an email....Mama P? I will be writing you this evening. I send hugs to you all as well. It has just been one of those weeks. Nothing horrible, no hard core reason to be so down and out. Just was. I can see our Brenda at Country Romance smiling and saying good for you. Be yourself and be real. Yep. This is as real as can be. I was depressed. I have never wanted to be one who shared all my woes on blog. That would get rather boring right? And I really do not have oh so many woes truth be known. This started small and then snowballed. Okay, So it turned into a major avalanche. It was not one thing but a series of them. You all know what I mean. Or you don't. Or maybe I should know when to hush but that has never been one of my strengths. I was going to do one of the lists on blog, specifically the "Why It Is Good To Be Me" list. I have a fondness for doing such things you know and was really looking forward to writing this one. I sat and thought, and sat and thought. Then I thought and sat. Then I sat and thought some more. What came to mind? Nothing. A big fat zero. Isn't that awful? Yes, yes, I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I AM. But when I needed to come up with a list of reasons that are jolly good about being old Susie Q I came up short. And empty. M.P.T. Oh yes, I could come up with a trunk full of things with which I have been blessed. And yes, I am happy about them. I love my husband and kids. Perfect? Nope. They are messy and forgetful and overly opinionated and I love them for it and in spite of it. But I am still easily hurt and often misunderstood, even by them. And I always get mad at myself when it happens. I blame myself. It must be MY fault that *insert name* does not realize how much I need *insert word*. I am blessed to still have my mother with us and in pretty good health even as I miss the others that have gone on ahead. I love my brother and sis in law, I love my nephew. I am usually quite upbeat about Boo's prognosis and firmly believe that this special school for children with Autism will be successful. Still, there are those days when someone, anyone, says all the wrong things and I end up mad...mad at the world that allows children to suffer the consequences of a disability, once again blaming myself for being so easily upset. I love my pets, my neighbors and my little town. I love my friends, even when one of them lets me down as one did last weekend. I cry and I sag. And as usual, instead of letting this friend know that my feelings were hurt, I took it on myself. Beat myself up because I was too sensitive, too quickly dismissed, too much of a sap. I blamed myself. I really do love my house but in trying to spell out how good it is to have a home, all I could think about was what was wrong with it. Small, in need of pretty updates like new counters and floors and lighting fixtures. I started thinking about how much I want to get a new dining room table and chairs and how resistant Bill is to that idea. I envy the beautiful homes of others and nit pick my own rooms and pieces, each chair, each pillow, every little scratch and stain. In short, I blame myself for being so difficult and materialistic. I have never been able to feel the pride a long career would have given me. It is easy to say that living a Navy wife's existence was the cause but that would be the simple way out. I love being a stay at home wife and Mom but I get lonely. I am too often unfulfilled, isolated and feel left out of the proverbial life loop. Once again, I blame myself for it all. I so love to write but lack the strength to do something more profound with it. One of Bill's Navy buddies has been diagnosed with brain cancer, an acquaintance's 17 year old son has only weeks to live due to the same disease. Another Navy friend's son was so injured in Iraq that he has lost his leg and continues to fight infection and a high fever. In short, I have nothing to whine about. Not. A. Thing. And that just makes it even harder for me at times. Maybe I need to cut myself some slack. But, instead, I blame myself for being weak and greedy. So, there you have it. Something that should have been easy became difficult because, well, I am a sap. It was a simpleton week of feeling sorry for myself and that is not something for which like to brag. But, in short (or long as you are all now thinking), I am human. I get down. I get depressed. See Brenda? I can be authentic! An authentic bore but authentic none the less! Yeah me! Life is not fair, bad things happen to good people and Paris Hilton is still a celebrity although I have absolutely no idea why. Stuff happens...and happens again. So, I pulled myself back up and have dusted off the greasy grime. I have given myself a good talking to and kicked myself in the rump. NOT easily accomplished at all let me tell you. Now, let me get at that "Good To Me" list again...let's see...ah. 1. Can kick herself in her own rear end. I have missed you all....I hope each one of you is enjoying a good week.
Love and hugs, Susie Q

14 comments:

Melissa said...

We all go through times like this - mine seem to go in cycles, about once every three months. What is up with that?

I was getting worried about you - glad to know you're still around!

-Jennifer said...

Life sometimes isn't fair and we all go thru these moments...especially us women. Hugs to you!

Mockingbird Hill said...

Well, well, well...as I read through this post, I thought "gee, when did I write this?"

We've all been there, are there, or are on our way there...it's so important for women to acknowledge this in ourselves and allow ourselves to feel however we want to about anything. That's a pretty tall order since we are usually in the role of care giver/nurturer and do it for everyone except ourselves.

So glad you are back...take comfort in the fact that you are understod better than you know.

;) Cassie

LivingTheLife said...

Oh sweet Susie Q...we need to talk...Girl...I know, I... so know... what you are sayin~ We can all probably say this has happened to us at one time or another and to varying degrees...but when it is happening...it is so conflicting...you feel bad, for feeling bad...you get mad, for thinking certain things...you cry and feel sad b/c of something someone else said...you feel hopeless to help the helpless...oh it is a viscous cycle...a virtual ferris wheel of emotion...believe me I have road that ride a few times too many myself...I still hop on that ole' blues train from time to time...You hit the nail on the head though...you really did...you said you are sensitive...well, that is obvious b/c of the things you write and the way you take such care in your relationships with others...and sometimes being sensitive is hard...especially on the person who is sensitive...b/c you DO care so much....just know...it's ok...you are who you are...and I for one...love you that way!

Blessings sweet lady...and I need to learn how you do that whole kicking yourself in the butt thing...man you must be really flexible!

Take care and don't beat yourself up too much...

Teresa

Cherdecor said...

I have missed you! I have you on bloglines so if my state didn't show up, that is why. It wasn't because I wasn't watching.

All of us sensitive people need to form a club. You know, something good always comes out of something bad. . . like lemons make lemonade!

You are a very caring nurturing person so maybe that is why you get too introspective. Eh hem! I should know. I am one of those introspective people.

Glad you are back. . . keep blogging. . . We missed you!

Andi said...

I love you dearly and am so happy to see you back...and that's why it's good to be me...because you're my friend!!! Hugs, Andi

Gretchen said...

I'm sorry it's been a tough week. I get it. I really do. You're right...cut yourself some slack. Give yourself the mercy and love you shower on others, please. I'll pray for you when I think of it. Know I'm sending you a big chocolate flavored hug and pedicure right now. xxxoooogretchen

Janet said...

Well, well, well I think I should challenge you to a sensitivity contest, because ain't no one more sensitive than I am. I cry over the slightest slights, so slight that no one but me notices. And then I speak without thinking ( the ADD) and people take me the wrong way when I never mean to hurt anyone's feelings. So, I am with you here and yes we will together and have fun and hopefully not make each other cry( unless it is crying from laughing so hard!!). Smiles,

Janet

Strawberry Lane said...

Gotta hate those "stare at the wall" days. Nothing right, nothing wrong days, those times when we have no excuse to feel ... rather down.

But if you were able to give yourself a kick in your own rear, well, we're just not going to worry about this girl!

PS:
I want to thank you for your wonderful words you sent about our sweet Kayla. You really touched my heart. Thank you so much.

*Jilly* said...

Glad you are back to your Susie-Q self:)

I think it is the "winter blues"..I get it during the winter..I lack serotonin during the winter season..it has a huge effect.

BittersweetPunkin said...

Yes Susie...you are only HUMAN....LOL! I used to be incredibly sensitive but I let more things roll off my back...life is too short and I just pay attention to what REALLY matters!

I wanted to inquire about the first photo in this post...how did you get hold of my wedding photo??
Hugs,
Robin

Bramble said...

SusieQ- I visit here often but comment rarely. We have all had those feelings at one time or another (for days, weeks...) and sometimes there's a reason and sometimes there isn't; which is just as frustrating. My Mom always said I wore my heart on my sleeve because I was true of heart. I think you are too and that's why when things aren't in sync or someone disappoints it's hard to understand because we wouldn't do that (intentionally). Guess what? We are humans and oh so fallible so please don't beat yourself up.
I think you are just splendid and very funny, but allow yourself the crummy days too! But perk up! BD might be lurking outside your door
waiting to whisk you off to ? (That will be up to you!) Hugs!

Mama P said...

Hi there - I just read this. I'm sorry you've been down. We've all been there. The house thing? Tell me about it. But you know what, that's just a hole all of us have to fill that can only be filled with grace. I call it God, you call it God, others call it something else. It's like an alcoholic - one drink is never enough. So too with the proverbial decorator. At some point, we have to admit defeat and just go into detox. Get perspective. Run, walk, find something OUTSIDE of you. I have been there. I know. You will be fine.

Also, listen to me: Don't be an approval addict. Don't do it. You can write once / year if that's what you want. You do what is best for you.

I sniff out approval addicts a mile a way because, well, been there. Not as much anymore. You can't get validation from others and be truly happy. Only from you.

I have spoken.

Goodnight.

Pamela said...

admitting that life weighs heavy sometimes may not be an immediate cure for your blues - but it an encouragement to the rest of us who suffer... knowing that we are not alone.