It's Alive! It's Alive!

Yes, Frankie baby, she is alive. Okay. Now, let me first say that I have had more visits clocked here while I am NOT Posting then I do when I actually post. Hmmm....are you all tryng to tell me something? Yes? Aw gee...okay. But I never listen anyway so I will just go ahead and post. Phooey. Why have I been away for awhile? That is a hard one to answer. Or not. Or maybe no one cares or is out there at all. But I talk to myself all the time anyhoo so why should this be an exception? First though I would like to send hugs to my dear blog friends who have checked on me and I want to let you know how much I appreciate it. I also want to send a hello to a few friends to whom I owe an email....Mama P? I will be writing you this evening. I send hugs to you all as well. It has just been one of those weeks. Nothing horrible, no hard core reason to be so down and out. Just was. I can see our Brenda at Country Romance smiling and saying good for you. Be yourself and be real. Yep. This is as real as can be. I was depressed. I have never wanted to be one who shared all my woes on blog. That would get rather boring right? And I really do not have oh so many woes truth be known. This started small and then snowballed. Okay, So it turned into a major avalanche. It was not one thing but a series of them. You all know what I mean. Or you don't. Or maybe I should know when to hush but that has never been one of my strengths. I was going to do one of the lists on blog, specifically the "Why It Is Good To Be Me" list. I have a fondness for doing such things you know and was really looking forward to writing this one. I sat and thought, and sat and thought. Then I thought and sat. Then I sat and thought some more. What came to mind? Nothing. A big fat zero. Isn't that awful? Yes, yes, I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I AM. But when I needed to come up with a list of reasons that are jolly good about being old Susie Q I came up short. And empty. M.P.T. Oh yes, I could come up with a trunk full of things with which I have been blessed. And yes, I am happy about them. I love my husband and kids. Perfect? Nope. They are messy and forgetful and overly opinionated and I love them for it and in spite of it. But I am still easily hurt and often misunderstood, even by them. And I always get mad at myself when it happens. I blame myself. It must be MY fault that *insert name* does not realize how much I need *insert word*. I am blessed to still have my mother with us and in pretty good health even as I miss the others that have gone on ahead. I love my brother and sis in law, I love my nephew. I am usually quite upbeat about Boo's prognosis and firmly believe that this special school for children with Autism will be successful. Still, there are those days when someone, anyone, says all the wrong things and I end up mad...mad at the world that allows children to suffer the consequences of a disability, once again blaming myself for being so easily upset. I love my pets, my neighbors and my little town. I love my friends, even when one of them lets me down as one did last weekend. I cry and I sag. And as usual, instead of letting this friend know that my feelings were hurt, I took it on myself. Beat myself up because I was too sensitive, too quickly dismissed, too much of a sap. I blamed myself. I really do love my house but in trying to spell out how good it is to have a home, all I could think about was what was wrong with it. Small, in need of pretty updates like new counters and floors and lighting fixtures. I started thinking about how much I want to get a new dining room table and chairs and how resistant Bill is to that idea. I envy the beautiful homes of others and nit pick my own rooms and pieces, each chair, each pillow, every little scratch and stain. In short, I blame myself for being so difficult and materialistic. I have never been able to feel the pride a long career would have given me. It is easy to say that living a Navy wife's existence was the cause but that would be the simple way out. I love being a stay at home wife and Mom but I get lonely. I am too often unfulfilled, isolated and feel left out of the proverbial life loop. Once again, I blame myself for it all. I so love to write but lack the strength to do something more profound with it. One of Bill's Navy buddies has been diagnosed with brain cancer, an acquaintance's 17 year old son has only weeks to live due to the same disease. Another Navy friend's son was so injured in Iraq that he has lost his leg and continues to fight infection and a high fever. In short, I have nothing to whine about. Not. A. Thing. And that just makes it even harder for me at times. Maybe I need to cut myself some slack. But, instead, I blame myself for being weak and greedy. So, there you have it. Something that should have been easy became difficult because, well, I am a sap. It was a simpleton week of feeling sorry for myself and that is not something for which like to brag. But, in short (or long as you are all now thinking), I am human. I get down. I get depressed. See Brenda? I can be authentic! An authentic bore but authentic none the less! Yeah me! Life is not fair, bad things happen to good people and Paris Hilton is still a celebrity although I have absolutely no idea why. Stuff happens...and happens again. So, I pulled myself back up and have dusted off the greasy grime. I have given myself a good talking to and kicked myself in the rump. NOT easily accomplished at all let me tell you. Now, let me get at that "Good To Me" list again...let's see...ah. 1. Can kick herself in her own rear end. I have missed you all....I hope each one of you is enjoying a good week.

Love and hugs, Susie Q