An Open Letter From Santa

Dear Susie Q,

Oh my dear girl. Once again I am writing to you about your Christmas wish list. Tsk tsk Susie. We go though this every year now don't we? You always request the same gift and each year I have to take the time from my all too busy schedule to explain why that gift is NOT possible! My dearest girl...even IF I COULD bring Brian Dennehy to you on Christmas Eve, he would never fit into your stocking. Even YOUR stockings my precious rotund lady. Now, don't be offended...I myself am a tubby. I understand tubby but he ain't fittin' in even YOUR plus sized leg wear.

Come to think about it, Brian is a BIG man! Getting him down that chimney of yours would be impossible so that is another problem. My bad back just would not be able to do it...years of being out in the cold, flying all over the world...oooh how it aches. But let's get back to the issue at hand.

Let's be honest little Missy. Brian is a married man with children and grandchildren! And may I remind YOU that YOU are a married woman with children? A middle aged woman with children I might add. Sheesh! Don't you think the poor man would like to spend the holidays with THEM and NOT with you ogling him? And just how were you planning to explain to Billy boy how Brian just happened to be left under your tree? Hmmm?

I will admit that

although Mrs. Claus finds Mr. D. quite a dish, she much prefers Justin Timberlake. Mrs. C. digs those younger, pretty guys...um..well...ahem...but SHE ain't gettin' Justin in HER stocking anymore than YOU are gettin' Mr. D. in yours!

Capiche?

Let's face it, it's also a fact that you have been more than a little naughty this year so a big lump of coal might just be a more appropriate gift than a big hunk of man.

So, have a happy holiday season Susie Q. Suck up this annual Yuletide disappointment and be of good cheer. If I see Brian I will be sure to warn him about you...er...I mean...um...give him your love.

Your old pal,

Santa Claus

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa, you handsome devil you,

How have you been this year? Feeling fit and sassy and ready to go? How is the Missus? Gee, it's a shame she always has to be alone on Christmas Eve. Ever think about letting her go with you? Women are really super at directions. At least they will ASK for them when lost. Oh well, just an idea. Now, I do not want a lot this year, just a few little things. I have tried to be very good and kept my whining down to a minimum. I procrastinated a wee bit but things always got done in the end. Usually. Mostly. Sometimes. These cookies are for you. Home baked (you can tell by the burnt, crispy edges) with love. The carrots are for the reindeer. But you can swap if you have a mind to. Now, let's get back to business. I would like: A teddy bear, World Peace, to be a size 10, an Academy Award for Brian Dennehy, some perfume and lotion, a penthouse apartment in New York City with a full staff of house cleaners, window washers, laundresses, painters, carpenters, bakers, cooks, massage therapists, hair stylists...what? Too much? But I really HAVE been good this year! Okay. Maybe not THAT good. I will try and reign in this list just a bit. Let's see... I would love to have more fun with my new blogger friends in 2007. I would enjoy it if Lucy would quit hissing at poor little Henry and make nice. I would love it if Bill could get that one particular job here in Ohio. Sooner rather than later. ASAP! I would like good health and happiness for my family and friends. I would like to never stop believing in you...is that okay? For a 50 year old I mean. Whatever. I will always believe... Oh, I am still asking for the teddy bear and World Peace. See what you can do about that okay? My best to the elves. Love, Sue