The Doggie Dictionary

Hi everyone! This is Winston. The dog. 

My Mom has been pretty busy lately and hasn't had any time to write nuthin' at all. Bein' a good dog and all, I told her I would help out! So I am. In case you have a dog or two, you might need to know these words and their meanins'. 

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. 

(I am really, really good at this! Really.)

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

(You should see the permanent dent I put in the couch pillows! It's waaay cool!)

DROOL: What to do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their laps.

(Drink a lot right before you try this and it works even better!)

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs until your person makes you stop.

(How else ya gonna get to know new friends?)

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

(The one in my kitchen has this crazy lid on it. But one of these days...)

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you complete the exercise by prancing away.


(I think bicycles are evil beins' from another planet and it is
 my job to protect my family from them! So there!)

HARD OF HEARING: A malady which affects a dog when its person wants it in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.


( I also get this problem when my parents tell me to get in my box or 
to stop chasin' the cats. Weird huh?) 




THUNDER: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, peeing on the rug, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.


(Thunder is bad. Very bad. Very. I am scared just writin' this.)

WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house for your person to play with by putting back in the wastebasket when they come home.


(It helps give my Mom a good cardio work out every day...hey look! 
You missed some paper over there! Just doin' my part to keep Mommy healfy!)

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.


(Especially after you accidentally on purpose eat some passghetti wif loads of sauce!)

BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.


(And I am a very good helper!)

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!” — especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.


(No one is fully dressed wifout some doggie or kitty hair on their clothes! I read that somewheres!)

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.


(Or milk, juice, Coke, wine, hot chocolate, cider...)

GOOSE BUMP: A last-resort maneuver used when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require. Especially effective when combined with The Sniff (see above).

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. To show your love, wag your tail and gaze adoringly. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.


(And I am a pretty lucky boy. 'Cause even when I am naughty my 
family loves me anyway. And I love them. Yup.)

Well, all that hard work wore me right out! 


So, later taters...see ya next time!


Hugs & Kisses,
Winston Barr Churchill George 
Harrison Ford Combs Esq.